The Ultimate Disclaimer
This message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either
myself, my company, my friends, or alter ego; all rights reserved;
you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit
from it; terms are subject to change without notice; this message has
not been safety tested for children under the age of 3; illustrations
are slightly enlarged to show detail; intended solely for the private
use of our audience; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead,
is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer
under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not
bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions
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reader assumes full responsibility; past performance does not predict
future results and people can and do lose money; an equal opportunity
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supplies last; if any defects
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explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may
find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from
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please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present
to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions
are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added;
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not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this message
could be hazardous to your health; no salt, MSG, artificial color or
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persist, consult a physician; may cause drowsiness, alcohol may
intensify this effect; use caution when operating a car or dangerous
machinery; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at
participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four
to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; objects in mirror are
closer than they appear; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident,
lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake,
hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading,
incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna
or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic
radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer
adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to
an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle
crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass,
mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be
limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm,
torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives,
stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply; contest ends 12-31-98;
contents measured by weight only, contents may settle in transit; May
cause random outbursts of extreme violence, epileptic seizures, or
whatever; actual message may differ from illustration on box.
I am continuing to compile this list. Please
send me (t a y l o r@l i n u x a v e.n e t) any additional
disclaimers that you might have.
Article based on message posted to alt.humor.best-of-usenet by
mmcknight@aardvark.ucs.uoknor.edu. Additional contributors include: Lev L.
Spiro, LeMel Hebert-Williams, and others.
Take a look at my humor archive.