The Thoughts of Steven Wright

• "So, do you live around here often?"---Steven Wright
• Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!---Steven Wright
• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."---Steven Wright
• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...---Steven Wright
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."---Steven Wright
• A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.---Steven Wright
• A metaphor is like a simile.---Steven Wright
• A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."---Steven Wright
• After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?---Steven Wright
• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."---Steven Wright
• All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.---Steven Wright
• Are there any questions?---Steven Wright
• At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.---Steven Wright
• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it irritates me! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"---Steven Wright
• Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.---Steven Wright
• Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.---Steven Wright
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.---Steven Wright
• Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.---Steven Wright
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?---Steven Wright
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."---Steven Wright
• Even snakes are afraid of snakes.---Steven Wright
• Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...---Steven Wright
• Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.---Steven Wright
• Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.---Steven Wright
• Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.---Steven Wright
• Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.---Steven Wright
• For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... slow glance upward---Steven Wright
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.---Steven Wright
• For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.---Steven Wright
• Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't.---Steven Wright
• Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.---Steven Wright
• Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.---Steven Wright
• He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."---Steven Wright
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.---Steven Wright
• Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.---Steven Wright
• How young can you die of old age?---Steven Wright
• I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
• I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.---Steven Wright
• I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.---Steven Wright
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.---Steven Wright
• I bought a portable cable TV.---Steven Wright
• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.---Steven Wright
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.---Steven Wright
• I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.---Steven Wright
• Later: I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it... Just checking.---Steven Wright
• I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.---Steven Wright
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.---Steven Wright
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.---Steven Wright
• I can levitate birds. No one cares.---Steven Wright
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."---Steven Wright
• I can't stop thinking like this.---Steven Wright
• I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.---Steven Wright
• I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door. The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.---Steven Wright
• I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.---Steven Wright
• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this ((()))((()))(((. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."---Steven Wright
• I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?---Steven Wright
• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.---Steven Wright
• I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.---Steven Wright
• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.---Steven Wright
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."---Steven Wright
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly... and says, "Here, you can go."---Steven Wright
• I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.---Steven Wright
• I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!---Steven Wright
• I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!---Steven Wright
• I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.---Steven Wright
• I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.---Steven Wright
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.---Steven Wright
• I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.---Steven Wright
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.---Steven Wright
• I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.---Steven Wright
• I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".---Steven Wright
• I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.---Steven Wright
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."---Steven Wright
• I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.---Steven Wright
• I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.---Steven Wright
• I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.---Steven Wright
• I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.---Steven Wright
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.---Steven Wright
• I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!---Steven Wright
• I invented the cordless extension cord.---Steven Wright
• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.---Steven Wright
• I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"
• I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.---Steven Wright
• I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.---Steven Wright
• I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."---Steven Wright
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.---Steven Wright
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.---Steven Wright
• I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.---Steven Wright
• I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there. I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on in. Want some eggs? Sorry."---Steven Wright
• I lost a button hole today.---Steven Wright
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."---Steven Wright
• I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.---Steven Wright
• I'm a peripheral visionary.
• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.---Steven Wright
• I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."---Steven Wright
• I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.---Steven Wright
• I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.---Steven Wright
• I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."---Steven Wright
• I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.---Steven Wright
• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.---Steven Wright
• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.---Steven Wright
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.---Steven Wright
• I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."---Steven Wright
• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.---Steven Wright
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.---Steven Wright
• I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.---Steven Wright
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."---Steven Wright
• I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.---Steven Wright
• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.---Steven Wright
• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.---Steven Wright
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.---Steven Wright
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.---Steven Wright
• I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.---Steven Wright
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.---Steven Wright
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I took a baby shower.---Steven Wright
• I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.---Steven Wright
• I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.---Steven Wright
• I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.---Steven Wright
• I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.---Steven Wright
• I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.---Steven Wright
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.---Steven Wright
• I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.---Steven Wright
• I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.---Steven Wright
• I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.---Steven Wright
• I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.---Steven Wright
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."---Steven Wright
• I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.---Steven Wright
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."---Steven Wright
• I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."---Steven Wright
• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."---Steven Wright
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".---Steven Wright
• I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.---Steven Wright
• I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.---Steven Wright
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.---Steven Wright
• I was skydiving horizontally.---Steven Wright
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.---Steven Wright
• I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."---Steven Wright
• I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.---Steven Wright
• I washed mud, off of mud.---Steven Wright
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.---Steven Wright
• I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.---Steven Wright
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."---Steven Wright
• I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."---Steven Wright
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."---Steven Wright
• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."---Steven Wright
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.---Steven Wright
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.---Steven Wright
• I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"---Steven Wright
• I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."---Steven Wright
• I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."---Steven Wright
• I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.---Steven Wright
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.---Steven Wright
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.---Steven Wright
• I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.---Steven Wright
• I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.---Steven Wright
• I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"---Steven Wright
• I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.---Steven Wright
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."---Steven Wright
• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."---Steven Wright
• I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.---Steven Wright
• I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...---Steven Wright
• I'm so hyper... said with a very dull voice---Steven Wright
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.---Steven Wright
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.---Steven Wright
• I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.---Steven Wright
• I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."---Steven Wright
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?---Steven Wright
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?---Steven Wright
• If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!---Steven Wright
• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?---Steven Wright
• (If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)---Steven Wright
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?---Steven Wright
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?---Steven Wright
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.---Steven Wright
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.---Steven Wright
• In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.---Steven Wright
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."---Steven Wright
• Is it weird in here, or is it just me?---Steven Wright
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.---Steven Wright
• It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.---Steven Wright
• It's a fine night to have an evening.---Steven Wright
• It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.---Steven Wright
• It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.---Steven Wright
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.---Steven Wright
• Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."---Steven Wright
• Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.---Steven Wright
• Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.---Steven Wright
• Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.---Steven Wright
• Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.---Steven Wright
• Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.---Steven Wright
• Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.---Steven Wright
• My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... "So, do you live around here often?"---Steven Wright
• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.---Steven Wright
• My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.---Steven Wright
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.---Steven Wright
• My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.---Steven Wright
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."---Steven Wright
• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.---Steven Wright
• My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."---Steven Wright
• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.---Steven Wright
• My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...---Steven Wright
• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.---Steven Wright
• My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.---Steven Wright
• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.---Steven Wright
• My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.---Steven Wright
• My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."---Steven Wright
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.---Steven Wright
• Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something.---Steven Wright
• On the other hand... You have different fingers.---Steven Wright
• One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," And she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."---Steven Wright
• One night I came home very late. It was the next night.---Steven Wright
• One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.---Steven Wright
• One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.---Steven Wright
• One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.---Steven Wright
• One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.---Steven Wright
• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."---Steven Wright
• One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.---Steven Wright
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.---Steven Wright
• So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.---Steven Wright
• Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.---Steven Wright
• Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.---Steven Wright
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.---Steven Wright
• The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...---Steven Wright
• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.---Steven Wright
• The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.---Steven Wright
• The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."---Steven Wright
• The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"---Steven Wright
• The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.---Steven Wright
• The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.---Steven Wright
• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.---Steven Wright
• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"---Steven Wright
• The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.---Steven Wright
• Then she said, 'How do you feel?' And I said, 'Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.'---Steven Wright
• There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.---Steven Wright
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.---Steven Wright
• There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.---Steven Wright
• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... picks up his glass of water from the stool... I like to live on the edge...---Steven Wright
• This is my impression of a bowling ball... drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it... gutter...---Steven Wright
• This isn't all true.---Steven Wright
• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.---Steven Wright
• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."---Steven Wright
• Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.---Steven Wright
• Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.---Steven Wright
• Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"---Steven Wright
• Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.---Steven Wright
• We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."---Steven Wright
• What do batteries run on?---Steven Wright
• What's another word for Thesaurus?---Steven Wright
• When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.---Steven Wright
• When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.---Steven Wright
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.---Steven Wright
• When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.---Steven Wright
• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.---Steven Wright
• When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.---Steven Wright
• When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"---Steven Wright
• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.---Steven Wright
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"---Steven Wright
• When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.---Steven Wright
• When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.---Steven Wright
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
• When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.---Steven Wright
• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."---Steven Wright
• While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"---Steven Wright
• Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?---Steven Wright
• Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.---Steven Wright
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.---Steven Wright
• Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.---Steven Wright
• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.---Steven Wright
• Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.---Steven Wright
• Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.---Steven Wright
• Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.---Steven Wright
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?---Steven Wright
• You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.---Steven Wright
• You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.---Steven Wright